We have all felt a sense of guilt at one time or another – it’s impossible to go through life without upsetting someone or making a mistake. It demonstrates an element of empathy and promotes a pro-social life. But how can we manage it in a healthy way?
How can we define ‘guilt’?
Guilt is a type of self-conscious emotion that crops up when we feel we have done something wrong, particularly in the context of upsetting someone or letting them down in some way. It is often coupled with feelings such as shame or embarrassment, and can generally be described as an aversive experience.
A key component of guilt is a degree of empathy. We need to be able to understand another’s point of view to be able to recognise the impact we have. This means we can reflect and make amends after hurting someone, and aim to avoid doing so again in the future.
When is guilt considered unhealthy?
There are a number of times when guilt may tip over from being a helpful emotion to being considered unhealthy:
- When feeling guilty for something you had no control over, or something you can not change. This is not uncommon, but this causes more damage rather than promoting self-growth. E.g. feeling guilty for someone else feeling down or sad, especially after trying to be supportive.
- Feeling guilty about something for a long period of time, and stuck ruminating on your actions, rather than taking steps to make amends and move past it.
- When putting yourself first. This is a tricky one, because we are pushed to believe how important it is to put others ahead of ourselves. However, sometimes it is absolutely necessary to do the opposite, for the sake of our wellbeing. E.g. taking time off work, saying no to people, treating ourselves etc.
- A lack of feeling guilty. You could argue an unhealthy level of guilt would also be a lack of it! This can stem from being in denial about how you have hurt someone, or possibly struggling to understand their point of view.
How to manage guilt healthily
Feeling guilty shows that you acknowledge you have made a mistake, and pushes you to take responsibility. A healthy response to this would be to:
- Self-reflect. Why do you behave as you did? What were you trying to achieve? What could you have done instead? Is this a mistake you keep making? If yes, how can you move past it and break that habit? Try not to draw overgeneralised conclusions about yourself, and instead stick to the incident.
- Another way is speaking to the person/people you may have hurt. Gain an understanding of their perspective, and apologise. This is easier said that done sometimes, as it is dependent on other’s behaviour.
- Learn from this. Aim to avoid making similar mistakes in future.
Give yourself a boost of self-compassion!
Like anything, guilt needs to be balanced. Excessive guilt does not make the issue go away, but pushes you away from resolving the issue in a healthy, constructive way. This means that, although it is good to hold ourselves accountable, these need to be coupled with self-compassion and kindness. Remind yourself of the following:
- Everyone makes mistakes, ourselves included. It is just part of being human!
- In many cases, we don’t purposefully aim to hurt others – there may be other reasons for our actions. It may have been a case of thoughtlessness, or having to make a difficult choice, or a misunderstanding.
- Mistakes do not define you. Sometimes we assume that mistakes say more about us than they actually do. Keep reminding yourself it was a mistake that doesn’t ‘sum up’ your personality as a whole.
- Aim to treat yourself how you would others. You likely wouldn’t be so unforgiving towards another person, and so allow yourself the same forgiveness and kindness.
What can Brighter Life Therapy do?
Here at Brighter Life Therapy, we can certainly help you exercise more self-compassion, and provide tools to better cope with feelings like guilt or low self-esteem.
Brighter Life Therapy provides fast access to CBT and counselling treatment, which you can read about here. If you are interested, please do not hesitate to contact us using the enquiry form below:
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